Ritual of Chaos - Geists FTW

By: Damian Lampl - 3/20/2010 1:11:05 AM


Once upon a time, FTW meant something ENTIRELY different than it does in today's mash-your-phone-with-your-thumbs age.  For those unawares, apparently it now means, "For The Win."  Back in the day it was a very useful acronym which is ironic given my disdain for cryptic letters that could mean virtually anything to anyone.  Regardless of its meaning, the result is the same: geists are f---ing awesome.  This is not a joke.  You do not pass Go.  Frodo does not make it to Mount Doom.  And maintenance will last all day.  This is serious shit we're talking about here.  So serious, in fact, there will be multiple blasphemies thrown in your face before the end of this post.  You've been warned.

There must be some way geists could be considered or at least made into demons of some sort so we can summon them as minions.  They're just too frickin cool.  The voice acting is perfect for them.  They jump all over tarnation (is that a town?  country?) like grasshoppers.  And they look hilarious.  Admit it, you'd so rather have one of those little buggers hopping around, backhanding your foes and literally laughing in their faces as an insult to their inferiority while you Shadow Bolt said faces into oblivion (not the game) than any other demon we're able to currently summon.  Yes, even Doomguards.

Maybe we could get them as non-combat pets?  Anything, any possible way we can keep them around, it simply needs to happen.  They're entirely too awesome.

Blasphemy 1

Geists are so cool, in fact, they're better than green fire.  No, really.  They are.  To find out why, we'll compare them both to items from the quarter-machines that used to be in every restaurant and department store chain -- the ones with great "prizes" like stickers of New Kids On The Block or chewable rocks pawned off as gum.

Green fire is like those sticky wall-walking octopi .  The awesomeness they exude for the first five minutes after purchase cannot be overstated.  The things walk down walls for crying out loud.  On.  Their.  Own.  Who knew gravity was so cool?  But once you toss them onto the wall a couple more times and they strip away the ten year grime buildup (who wipes down walls other than with sticky wall-walking octopi?) they all too quickly lose their stickiness.  You even ran them under the faucet a couple times and scrubbed them with soap, hoping to get another two or three more not-quite-as-good-and-described-better-as-runs-instead-of-walks-and-then-plummets-instead-of-runs-to-a-surprisingly-satisfying-SPLAT-on-linoleum-or-a-not-at-all-satisfying-POOF-on-carpet out of them.  Quite simply, their novelty wears off entirely too quickly.  And so, too, would the novelty of green fire, to the point where it would just be another spell, no big whoop.  Then we'd have to focus on crying for green Shadow Bolts.  What?

Geists, on the other hand, are like super balls.  They never get old and their uses are endless.  After determining how many times you can flutter them between the floor and ceiling (19 full flutters happens to be the record) you can immediately switch gears to find out how many times you can flutter between ANY TWO, THREE, OR EVEN MORE given walls.  Talk about versatility and customization options for the end user, it's like making up your own games!  You can even include the floor and ceiling with the walls  for no less than SIX surfaces to flutter!  And not only that, you can use them as bombs against plastic army men, meteors destroying hapless Matchbox and Hot Wheels drivers, ear plugs, eye substitutes, dodge balls, bullets, Coco Puffs alternates... and the list just goes on.

Blasphemy 2

Well, there's really only two but this makes it look like there's three so you get your money's worth out of it.  Hate me later.

Blasphemy 3

If warlocks can't have them, at least let Death Knights use them instead of ghouls.  There.  I said it.  And I'm ok with it.  I'm truly ok with..... O.M.F.G!  No!  Let's talk about this!  Wait, WAIT!  Not the butc............ [censored]

Sorry about that.  The rest of this article will be typed without a left hand.  Apparently it was possessed by Arthas and needed to be cleft off by a crude yet surprisingly effective method involving something of a butcher's knife and smoldering hot old-fashioned clothes iron.  You should see it flopping around right now like Thing from the Addams Family on speed or something.  Off-topic, do any druids happen to know of a partial-limb-regeneration spell?  No?  So frickin sick of raiding the cemeteries every night...





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