Ritual of Chaos - Deprecated Level Guide: 11-19

By: Damian Lampl - 12/5/2010 4:45:02 PM

Deprecated, Decapitated, Same Thing
I don't think it means what you think it means.

Unfortunately I wrote this well over a year ago and never finished the glyphs at the end so it's just a LITTLE out of date (although I did add some fun links I had no idea existed before like Razor Hill which is frickin amazing so YOU'RE WELCOME for including little gems like that).  But it's new reading material for you and that makes it new enough to post.  To make it up to you, I'll invite you to suck whatever body part of mine most interests you (no biting).


Ritual of Chaos - Sarcasm is Sarcastic

By: Damian Lampl - 11/19/2010 12:29:34 AM

Too.. much.. pink...
There's clearly a design flaw when LSD is required to cleanse the visual palette.

I LOVE Eye of the Storm.  "Then why don't you marry it?  Ter her herr," you snidely snort.  Well, smartypants, you're in luck because I DO, in fact, love it so much that I bought it a flag and you're all invited to our wedding which will take place the next time you queue for a random battleground.  The reception will be held during your next random battleground after the wedding random battleground, and the honeymoon will be the following random battleground after the reception random battleground.


Ritual of Chaos - Chaosaclysm

By: Damian Lampl - 4/7/2010 6:55:09 PM

Noticing a pattern yet?

For many of you, green fire is important.  So important, in fact, that instead of continuing to play with normal fire spells, at least one warlock has made good on a promise to manually extract his own kidney stones by inserting one of those handy grabber tools through his urethra.  Painful?  Apparently not as painful as looking at plain old orange/yellow fire in a video game... (ellipses signify the profound notion of someone shoving a metal claw up their member* as an alternative to looking at the typical rendition of fire in pixel format)  There's a video of it somewhere but this is an all-f---ing-audiences space so you're on your own to search for it.

Unfortunately not all changes will bring about the elation commonly experienced from the satisfaction of plucking out and eating the eyes of a three-day old bunny like green fire provides, but Blizzard can't hit a touchdown every face-off.


Ritual of Chaos - Geists FTW

By: Damian Lampl - 3/20/2010 1:11:05 AM


Once upon a time, FTW meant something ENTIRELY different than it does in today's mash-your-phone-with-your-thumbs age.  For those unawares, apparently it now means, "For The Win."  Back in the day it was a very useful acronym which is ironic given my disdain for cryptic letters that could mean virtually anything to anyone.  Regardless of its meaning, the result is the same: geists are f---ing awesome.  This is not a joke.  You do not pass Go.  Frodo does not make it to Mount Doom.  And maintenance will last all day.  This is serious shit we're talking about here.  So serious, in fact, there will be multiple blasphemies thrown in your face before the end of this post.  You've been warned.


Ritual of Chaos - Level Guide: 10

By: Damian Lampl - 1/14/2010 11:01:46 PM

Big Blue and You
Trust me, we're not lost...

Honestly it's a miracle you've lasted this long.  No really, it's quite an achievement to ding Level 10.  They even put an achievement for it in the game.  Not kidding.

In some ways the training wheels have now been ripped off your tricycle and you're now tooling around on just three wheels!  Badass.  Pretty soon you'll graduate to a bicycle with training wheels and then who knows from there, maybe a unicycle or something awesome like that.  What?  Who doesn't like tooling around on a unicycle?

Level 10 brings about all sorts of new goodies and decisions.  Maybe not in that order but both definitely exist.  In addition to new spells, you're also going to land your next minion as well as your very first Talent Point.  There's so much going on right now your head just might explode.   ...   ......  ..........  Nope.  Damn.  Would have been cool.


Ritual of Chaos - Level Guide: 6-9

By: Damian Lampl - 9/25/2009 10:41:18 AM

Nightfall at Agamand Mills, Tirisfall Glades
No, really. It looks totally safe.

Sweet Aunt Jemima, you're Level SIX already! Wizzoot! Did you know it used to take eight full months to reach Level 6? It's true, look it up. You've only been playing for four hours and for three of those you were running into walls and jumping in place. Seems like only three levels and 500,000 words ago we were discussing the same phenomenon. Deja vu.


Ritual of Chaos - Why Do Mages Hate Us?

By: Damian Lampl - 9/18/2009 5:14:44 PM

Why mages hate us
Jealous of the epic mount, are we?

Us warlocks have come to live with the fact that we're Azeroth's outcasts and even pride ourselves in being the demented step-cousins of the world. But what's the deal with mages hating us so much more than any other class? Are they so insecure with their inabilities that they resort to making up stories about us to justify their own shortcomings? Are they that jealous of our control over demons that they summon their own minions thinking we'll somehow be impressed? Are they so ugly that even ogres find them repulsive? Yes. Yes they are.


Ritual of Chaos - Level Guide: 1-5 Profession Supplement

By: Damian Lampl - 9/11/2009 3:05:52 PM

Tailoring Profession
What to choose. What to choose...

Now that you're Level 5 and already more than six percent of the way to the level cap, the professional world is now your pearl. No, sorry, it's your Small Barnacled Clam. Always seem to get those mixed up. At any rate, if you have enough copper saved up you can learn yourself some trade skills. As with spell rotations, there are no "wrong" professions for a warlock. You'll definitely see more benefit from some over others but Blizzard totally set things up so you can pretty much play the game the way you want. Genius, man. Pure genius.


Ritual of Chaos - PVP Guides: Wintergrasp

By: Damian Lampl - 9/4/2009 2:01:31 AM

Wintergrasp - 100k Health
Only 17 tenacity? They're slacking off.

So you've finally dinged level 50.  Time to hit up some Wintergrasp, huh?  Wait, no, even locks shouldn't be that guy.  So you've finally dinged 51.  Time to hit up some Wintergrasp, huh?  What's in it for the aspiring lock unafraid of a few (thousand) deaths in the span of twenty minutes?  Aside from cannons, the epic feel of storming or defending a castle, cannons, being the best zone in the game for farming ore/herbs/elementals, cannons, siege vehicles, cannons, epic shard/marks gear rewards, cannons, and being able to blow things up with CANNONS, Wintergrasp has beautiful scenery this time of year.  Nice flowers.

There's two basic strategies in Wintergrasp: attacking and defending.  Don't worry, despite needing a degree in Astrophysics to follow along, it won't get more complicated than that.  And there'll be no math in case rogues or mages feel like skimming through their superior class' notes.  Everyone ready?  Yes?  Damn.  I'll wait until you're not.


Ritual of Chaos - ChaosCon 2009

By: Damian Lampl - 8/26/2009 12:36:09 PM

BlizzCon has been taken over...

Not attending BlizzCon is bittersweet. Conventions suck balls. Large clumps of human mass spewing noise and stench in every possible direction. No. Escape.

On the other hand, BlizzCon is a large clump of human mass put on by BLIZZARD. These guys don't know how to do anything second-rate. And not only do they have tons of exciting (at least for nerds like you) news and updates for the best franchise and game ever created, they also have the same exciting (man, you really are a NERD) news and information on all their other big properties - i.e. Diablo and StarCraft. Sure you could purchase the DirecTV feed or live stream, but if you're not going to nut up and brave the horror that is thousands of crazed video game fans, it's just not the same experience.

That said, it's the times they break out the best changes to our favorite class that make a person wish they were there to bask in the rage of every other class flipping out over what could quite possibly be THE GREATEST MOMENT IN THE HISTORY OF WARLOCKS SINCE GUL'DAN THOUGHT UP DEATH KNIGHTS.


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